Flat living.

I like the word flat much better than apartment. Why oh WHY do we say "ay-paaart-mint".

So, flat living. That's what we're doing nowadays. Used to live in a 3-bedroom house with 2 bathrooms and a dirt basement. Now we pay rent (whoo hoo!) and utilities! I do like that word: utilities. Kinda like flat; it gets to the point.

Things about flat living that intrigue me:

1. I can hear my neighbor cough. He also likes war movies with lots of thunder noises.

1b. My neighbors mom like to yell at him. Her favorite word: F*ck. Yay... uhhh....

2. Except to get to our door, there are no stairs. I cold just roll everywhere.

3. Tiny kitchen. I can wash dishes, cook, unpack groceries, and look out the window, all at the same time.

4. The lack of storage. Makes us get rid of junk we don't need.

5. The small space makes our massive flat screen TV look, well, MASSIVE. Maybe we can downsize someday... hee hee. I bet our neighbor knows I like to watch Glee.

6. The in-unit washer and dryer my parents and in-laws gifted us. Best thing ever.

Do I miss living in a house? Hmmm.... I miss the privacy. I think I like privacy. The kind of privacy where you can have an argument and then not feel like you have to avoid your neighbor that afternoon. Also the kind of privacy where you can go out on your porch and conversate without 3 other households within earshot. Kinda feels like Facebook, except I didn't "friend" any of them. I wish my neighbors liked privacy too... (as I write this, they are yelling at each other. It's like they know I'm listening or something).

But I don't miss all the ridiculous cleaning that went on in a house. 2 floors, 2 bathrooms, and that dirt basement that always seemed so, uh, dirty! No, simplicity is a good thing. Maybe someday way off in the future I'll want a house again.

But for now it's the way to go: more time to spend going on hikes, exploring my cookbooks, playing with the kids, and trips to the pool. Oh listen, it's 10 o'clock: cue the thunder.

Why all the yelling?

I would be OK with yelling at my kids if it entailed some purpose, such as keeping them safe: "WATCH OUT FOR THE CAR!". Or if it meant I was applauding some success: "GOOD JOB!"

Unfortunately, most of the yelling I do is of the tempest-in-a-teapot type: "STOP CHOKING ME AND NO YOU CAN'T HAVE COOKIES BEFORE BED AND STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER! OWWW!" The end-of-the-day type of yelling when I just want to go to sleep already.

Why do my kids misbehave so? I want to stop yelling and I could do so IF they stopped being naughty. So if I hate it so much, why the heck do I keep doing it?

I cruised the internet for answers and came up mostly with tips, such as learning to control my anger, try to reduce stress in my life, and talk to a therapist about why I yell. Thing is, not so helpful. Anger will forever and always be provoked skillfully by the toddler set, having children is just plain stressful, and (thanks kindly) I already have a therapist and she tells me I am an excellent mother.

Then I found this article: Stop Yelling at Your Employees -- It's Making them Stupid

If I pretend for a moment (fleeting) that I am The Boss and my children are my employees in the company that is our Family, then I want them to be productive and happy workers. I don't want to provoke in them a fight-or-flight response because they feel threatened by my yelling. As the article states:

"...when leaders trigger a threat response, employees’ brains become much less efficient. But when leaders make people feel good about themselves, clearly communicate their expectations, give employees latitude to make decisions, support people’s efforts to build good relationships, and treat the whole organization fairly, it prompts a reward response. Others in the organization become more effective, more open to ideas, and more creative".

This makes sense to me because I like science. Say the word "brain" and I'm there. Problem is, sometimes it feels like neither myself nor my children have brains. The root of why I yell is because I have calmly asked them to do something a hundred times before I reach my limit and blow my top. They just don't listen.

So what if my employees ignore me? What are they attempting, some sort of coup? Is this some sort of fun game to see who can make the Boss lose it first? I feed and clothe them for jeezy-creezy sakes. AND buy them Christmas presents! Can we get some sort of reciprocity here, folks?

Short answer: no. My company is the one I'm with for life. Sometimes it won't be fair, creative, or productive. Communication is not always clear. And I AM going to invoke responses in my children's brains that might not be so conducive to a calm environment. I'm the boss 24/7 and we're stuck with one another. Oy -- I'm still just where I started.

Separating Pumpkin Seeds; and Other Things that take Time.

From 2:30 - 5:30 today I was standing in my husbands Crocs in our tiny kitchen, cutting, scooping, squishing, picking, and sundry other kitchen-like actions. I was also bouncing between the kids, setting them up with the pencil sharpener, monitoring proper play-dough usage, helping to string beads, and letting them draw all over the windows with 'window crayons'.

During the kitchen part, particularly when I was knuckle-deep in pumpkin goop, I began to think about time. Many of my days are spent in the fashion I described. Some days I'm not so rested and so much doesn't happen; other days, the sun will be shining and we'll be outside mostly. So today, perhaps because I felt like I was doing many small things every moment, I could plainly see that some things just take lots of time, no bones about it. And if you don't have time to plant, you won't have much to harvest.

Te below list might mostly fall in the realm of the Motherhood occupation. Nonetheless, they are the things that, in my experience, take up time. And are very worth it:

1. Separating pumpkin seeds from their goop womb.

2. Roasting autumn gourds and squashes.

3. Growing a baby (this one wins the cake).

4. Changing the oil in my car.

5. Keeping in close touch with my loved ones.

6. Having conversations that lead to conversations that lead to conversations...

7. The years-long process of teaching a child to listen and have "good manners".

8. Getting in shape... and then getting out of shape again.

9. Reading, really reading. Reading so that something sinks into my brain.

10. Stretching out a really tight spot in one of my muscles.

Instant gratification versus delayed satisfaction: when I wake up in the morning, this is not usually what I am thinking about. But life just throws the day at us doesn't it? Some days al I can afford to do is Just Be, and eating a bowl of ice cream is the medicine my heart needs. It's sneaky too: when you're deep into some sticky task, you can lose sight of what is in store at the end.

So here's to us all: in the middle of some task that is totally gross, raises blood pressure, is difficult, treacherous, or no fun. Think of pumpkin seeds. Think of oil changes. Think of the moment that kid says "please". Is there a moment in there for us where we can see that our time is actually being quite well-spent? And I hope we then see that this is our life and it is indeed very rich.

The girl and me.

A trip into town is never dull with my LittleFish. Even though the library was closed (see pic below) we came up with a plan B. Rode a lion, saw some art, did some shopping, and enjoyed a lunch out.

I'm gonna downward-dog the heck outta my anger

I used to never get angry... and then I had kids. Yeah, ya know what I mean?

I'm not saying that having kids gave me a reason to be angry -- no way. I love my kids and they are my light. I have discovered though that having children uses all of my resources so completely that I no longer have that old energy to keep that tight lid on my anger. Now I think I lost the lid and once I feel that anger simmering, I know it won't be too long before it's at a holy-roly boil. And before I know it, "Mommy needs to go breathe in the other room NOW".

For a few years now, I have been curiously observing this crazy emotion. It's almost like an unconrollable ride, this thing that seems so "other" that all I could do was let it consume me, chew me up a bit, and then spit me out into a blubbering pile.

Then I was doing yoga two days ago and something clicked over. I decided to start doing yoga regularly and started on Monday, hopeful that stretching and toning my muscles would help me get back in shape. LittleFish was hanging around the living room with me, rocking out to the flute and drum beats. As I was going into downward dog and feeling the supreme tightness of my hamstrings, Little Fish appeared out of nowhere right underneath me and kicked me in the face.

And there it was: the anger. Unbidden, it barged right into my yoga practice. I stopped the DVD, spoke very sternly with LittleFish, and gave her a time out. I stomped back to my mat, like some sort of helpless child, and then I just stood there.

Maybe it was because I was in that yoga state of mind, but I stood there and could see my anger: swirling and beckoning. And right next to it, I could also see something else: a quiet sadness, hiding behind the anger. But they were both there. And I just kept standing there with these two emotions as LittleFish continued to protest with cries from her timeout chair.

This is so absurd, I thought to myself. I am trying to be mindful, and look what happens! But then, perhaps these are the very things I need to be mindful about. And that is when the thing in my brain clicked. And all of a sudden the anger left the room.

I walked over to retrieve LittleFish and invited her to stretch with me, on her very own mat (a little hand towel spread out). The rest of the yoga session was a little hodgepodge and LittleFish still rolled over onto my mat a few times, but then nothing is perfect.

Taking care of two very small helpless creatures seems to have brought out the helpless parts of myself. Using this beast called anger as some sort of transport vehicle, the part of myself that deserves attention and care also enters the room when I blow my top. I have learned it before and I'm sure I will continue to learn it: no one has endless resources to give to another being. We must all rest and stretch and have space to breathe.

I think it was a good thing to lose that lid those few years ago.

To those of you that are involved in the care of others or care too little for yourselves: be gentle with yourself and tend to the things in your life that are making you uncomfortable. Like the yoga DVD says, "listen to the parts of your body and mind that are inviting you... and breathe into them". Stay on your toes when it comes to that invitation: it certainly comes in surprising forms.

And so help me God, I will slowly be able to see this anger for what it is. Much like the way I learned to walk in the dark of night without fearing the unknown, I will walk with my anger. Heck, I'll do backbends with it if that's what it takes.

Loving my small kitchen.

I'm no Julia Child's, but I sure can read a recipe!

It's been around 2 months since we've moved away from 3 meals a day cooked for us and into a life of providing sup for ourselves (if you're new around here, that doesn't mean I used to have servants and now live among common people. We used to live in a therapeutic community where part of our lifestyle included eating meals as a community).

The grocery shopping has been a hoot. A pattern seems to be developing: I shop once every 2 weeks. It takes me the better part of 2 hours as I slowly walk up and down every single aisle. By then end, I'm satisfied and pushing a cartful of edibles. Then usually on the way to the car, something falls from the top of the cart's pile and smashes all over the parking lot. This week it was a gallon of PineSol.

I have employed the brains of a dear friend who is familiar with the underworld of coupons, double coupons, and the tracking of pricing cycles. She has shown me the secret handshake of the frugal shopper.

And trying to be adventurous, my cart today included sauces and ingredients from other countries. Yes people, we're going to have more than just variations of mac n' cheese for dinner!

This week I have had 2 meals, albeit simple, that felt triumphant! The Hubby was pleased and the children ate vegetables. And I felt a rebirth of that phrase "Yes we can!" on my lips.

My little kitchen is humming with wontons, ham steaks, baked butternut squash, and the odd batch of cookies. It's a happy kitchen and at last, I'm a happy cook.

Panacea

Chocolate, tea, and TV are good remedies for the short term -- remedies for the daily stresses of life. For the small moments when trying to uplift the mood.

But I'm coming around in my Cycle of Motivation again and looking for some panacea more lasting. The last time around it was running. And I burned off a lot of calories and stressful days with that past-time. But it's heading into winter and since we've moved to a busy street, I don't fancy running through slush and biting winds.

So I'm thinking yoga. Back in my first 2 years of college, I was practicing yoga 3x/week for 2 semesters. I have fond memories of the deep stretching, the Om-ing, and the stretch pants. It's time I ride that pony again.

So now for a DVD. Classes won't be an option right now -- I am too stiff and too busy to imagine committing to a class. Anyone have suggestions? I'd be looking for deep stretching and holding of poses in an instructive format that would last about an hour.

Quarantine.

I really hope I can post a sunny blog post someday soon. But right now, I have Strep A and am miserable. Two weeks ago I was laid out flat with some other virus too. This is what happens I suppose when one does too much. Moving, starting new jobs, starting new school... Ugh. These past 2 days I have spent flat on my back in bed which, honestly (between the retching and pain) has not been all that bad. At least I finally got some rest.

Hopefully, with the help of tender ministrations from my husband, and help from my family, I'll be back. See ya in a few weeks.

Warning: letting go has side effects.

A week or so later, my struggling brain and intellect has taken the next logical step that might occur after acceptance: letting go.

Last week came the realization that, essentially, living in the future all the time is untenable. And so the first step is to snip that thread. Ok, so I think I did that. In practical terms, this means that I admitted that I have no clue as to what sort of higher degree I want. Which acronym sounds most appealing: PA? PT? OT? RN? All honorable medical professions. All so different. And I truly have no clue (and truthfully, no mental energy) to know right now.

So it seems the thing to do is to let go of this decision for a little while. Because I like plans, I say 2 years is equal to a "little while". Both offspring will be in school in 2 years. That seems sane: rethink my future career once the children have a full-time career in school.

So now that you're up-to-speed, here's how I was feeling last night: empty.

I was tired and feeling down and sort of conceptually depressed. And as is my weakness, I was ignoring these feelings. Instead of slowing down and dealing, I was eating pistachios and watching Desperate Housewives. Not a terrible coping mechanism! Better than heroin!

Feeling a nagging sense that I should take care of myself, I stopped eating and unplugged and put myself in a tub of hot water. That's when I had this breakthrough in the bubbles:

This Empty Feeling wasn't the Problem, it was the Side Effect. This is how it feels to Let Go. If Oprah were in the tub with me, she'd shout "O!".

So I had made a choice and consciously or not, I had followed through. And once I was able to commune with myself enough to listen to my thoughts, I realized that that Empty Feeling was my Opportunity. Darn it, life is weird.

So as I crawl out of that hole, I look around. What of the life I see before me can I embrace and make my own right now?

Before I shout: kids! marriage! home! I want to stay in this gray space for a little while; now that I know where I stand, I want to linger.

Learning about acceptance.

The only way to really learn about acceptance is to do it.

There has come this moment in which the reality of where I stand is more apparent than the dream of where I imagine myself to be standing. And I am left with the choice: accept it now or decide to live a life pulled back and forth between reality and dream. And live that life until the lesson confronts me again. Because it will. As the Buddhists say, fall in the hole 500 times before you learn to walk around.

Why does the concept of acceptance feel so counter-intuitive?

And the real question: why do I seek things that are very difficult to attain? Lifestyles, careers, and degrees that are so far out of my reach that it would require a total change... constant change... to attain them all. And once one is attained, I continue to reach and reach for the next.

So what is it about acceptance? This very moment as opposed to the moment I sign that deed, the moment I receive that diploma, the moment I pass those state exams, the moment when I am On Top of The World.

Correct me if I am wrong, but Life isn't a string of thrilling experiences. Not to the average schmo at least. And I have a hard time dealing with that. Because if I can't be thrilled every moment, then what repertoire of experience DO I get?

Where does 'good enough' come from? And how do I get some?